shaped your aspirations and your perspective on social or cultural identity?
An isolated island
Remika Sirikulthada
Principally, the Sino-Indian conflict ended in 1962, yet such conflict between these two prominent cultures
have been entrenched into my everyday life.
Mixed-race. Bicultural. Multiethnic. Ironically, identifying oneself was designed to establish clarity, but the
endless sea of terms regarding my identity have only ever intimated me, drowning me inside out. Each label
was distinctly unique; yet as they moved in my direction I could not choose one to stick to. And my island felt
inherently static and inherently different.
For the majority of my existence, I had categorized myself as an isolated island.
The epiphany that my bustling identity was shared by many others from different backgrounds came to me
when I realized there were other children out there, other islands who also lived through the same struggles
that I did and never felt a true sense of belonging.
The inner panic that swallows me whole from the top of my head to the tips of my toes when someone asks
me ‘where are you from?’ is unexplainable. Do I say I’m Indian and Chinese because that’s where my parents
are from or do I say im Thai because thats where I was born? Did it matter which I said first? Would I be
disappointing my parents if I didnt say what they expected of me? Should I just say I’m Asian? So many
questions I contemplated everytime the topic came up, nonetheless as I searched far and wide for answers,
they never floated to shore for me to find.
From celebrating Chinese new year with my moms family to dancing on Diwali with my dads side, I always
tried my best to keep everyone happy. I felt obligated to be this perfect human embodiment of what the culture
wanted from me. What a painful way to exist, in the paradigm of those beliefs constantly shrinking the inner
child in me who was too loud and passionate at times when I wanted to explore the many cultures encircling
me.
As time past by I have come to accept myself regardless of who I may be and where I came from, as they do
say, time heals all. The shift in consciousness I have experienced has crept up my spine towards my mind in
the most beautiful and tender way. There is now a newfound spaciousness in how I show up, I no longer
whisper my worth to myself as I rummage through the shadows of my psyche trying to find the courage to
stand strong in my identity. Even though I have a long way to go, I now welcome with love any way I choose to
introduce myself as, a way that makes me proud to use my voice and unafraid to sit in moments of silence.
From practicing radical self acceptance to educating myself about my ancestry history, I am floating along the
path of unapologetically vocalising to others my true identity and I hope the many other islands out there can
do the same.
